I wrote to my 80-year-old self…and trolled him mercilessly.

Hello, future self!

Still alive, eh?

I bet parts of you already have that interesting smell.

Your retirement party was ages ago when your evil work buddies gifted you with an alarm clock that has not once woken up ahead of you. (Forget about being “woke,” just be happy that you’re awake and breathing.)

You rise sounding like bubble wrap, with every bone cracking. It takes you 15-minutes to empty that bladder — the same amount it takes to reach the…